Always on the outside looking in.

As that's a bad thing? Not for me it isn't. It's a blessing and a gift. Today I realized that my aunts, uncles and cousins don't really give a shit about me. Everything appears to be a head game with them. Fri was my birthday. I know no one got the birthday alert from Facebook but that's no excuse to ignore some one on their birthday when they had the decency to acknowledge you on yours. That is just flat out ignorant and immature. I don't post my real birthday on line because of Identity thieves. What hurt the most was when none of them acknowledged my birthday after I posted the heads up for it on my status. Only three family members wished me a happy birthday. Not one of them was an aunt, an uncle, a cousin, sibling, niece, nephew or dad. Until today I thought they cared about me but this proves me wrong. I have decided not to waste anymore of my energy on them. They are all the same and I am a fool for believing they were better than Dianne and her minions. This situation has taught me that they are all cut from the same cloth and I don't belong in that family. I am finished being their door mat. If all they can do is play these immature head games trying to make me feel as worthless as they are then to hell with them all. I'll be happier without them in my life.

I went down the list and put every one of them on the restricted list om my Facebook profile so none of them get anymore updates from me in their news feeds. I thought about dumping them all from my friends list but I know I will feel guilty about that later and have to friend them all over again. I have two other profiles I can use without any of them on the friend's list. Once I am sure this is what I think it is and I not just feeling sorry for myself I will dumped them all and forget about ever having a real relationship with any of them. They are all mean spirited and untrustworthy. I have seen their greed and self sides so this should not be a surprise. I am certain the only reason any of them was nice to me is because they thought I had money and they would get some of it if they played nice with me long enough. Dianne must have worked her magic on them again to make them all ignore me. Ha Ha Ha suckers.You are being used and as far as I am concerned all of you deserve what you get for being no better than that sociopath you call family. You are the same. I am glad you alienated me instead of trying to turn me into one of you pathetic animals.
I had the decency to wish all of them a happy birthday. I guess that means I am the only decent member of that family. Kudos to me ^_^ It's time to move forward and leave them all behind. 

The Practical Side of Attention Deficit Disorder That Most People Are Not Aware Of

I visited a site called Maven today that made me realize that I have more to offer this world by exposing the practical side of living with A.D.D. and being raised by a sociopathic mother who tried to kill me when I refused to become like her and the rest of my family. I have tried to write my story so many times but the pain of my memories stops me. Now that I have been in therapy for Post Traumatic Stress Disorder these last four years I am becoming stronger emotionally as the pain becomes less and less each day.

My childhood has left me with nerve damage in my spine from the physical abuse I was subjected too growing up and Post Traumatic Stress Disorder from all of the abuse and neglect my own mother is responsible for. I have disconnected my life from hers so from this point on my mother will be referred to as Dianne. I can tell you all kinds of horrifying stories about being Dianne's daughter that could make Steven King look like a romance novelist but Dianne is an attention whore. I have no intention of glorifying the woman who made it her mission in life to destroy me and came dangerously close to succeeding.

My point is this, the psychiatrist that diagnosed my A.D.D. 22 yrs ago,  is one of the top four behavioral specialist in the country. He told me that I would make a better psychiatrist than him because practical beats academic every time. He said that I have knowledge about the physical and emotional affects of abuse and Attention Deficit Disorder that no text book could ever teach him. In other words, I know the whole story and he only knows half of the story. He said that the information I possess is more valuable than the information he can read about Attention Deficit Disorder is a text books because my information is based on the truth and I know all of the facts about living with Attention Deficit Disorder that no doctor or specialist will ever know.

I have seen life from both sides and successfully raised an A.D.D. child without the use of drugs. The doctor who diagnosed me with Post Traumatic Stress Disorder informed me that I am a psychiatric phenomenon. She told me that I should be dead, insane or a sociopath like my abusers but instead I am completely sane with an unusually high capacity for empathy and love. Apparently I am one of very few to go through the hell I was subjected too and come out alive with my sanity in tact. My siblings were not so lucky. They were weak and have all identified with their abuser to become the new generation of abuse, dysfunction and sociopathic parents with mental problems. I was fortunate enough to be shown a better way to live when I was eight. This allowed me to break free of the generational bull shit that has and is still plaguing the family I left behind in order to protect my child and change the course of history for my daughter and her future generations.

That being said, I think the most valuable information I have to share is the practical knowledge I possess about growing up with Attention Deficit Disorder. It is my hope that the information I share in this blog will reach enough people with the influence to help me change the world's understanding of who we are. I am hoping that this difficult task of telling my story will enlighten expose the truth about who we really are and help the world understand and accept us so we can stop falling through the cracks and stop being misunderstood abused and misjudged. We are the alcoholics, criminals, suicide victims, sex trade workers, high school drop outs and misfits of the world when we go undiagnosed or misdiagnosed. We are artists, administrators, physicists, bankers, and anything we want to be when we are diagnosed and given the resources we need to learn and thrive on our level rather than being forced to live on a level of understanding that is not comprehensible to us.

If you are interested in reading future posts on Attention Deficit Disorder please book mark this blog or click the follow button to be notified of new posts. I am not able to write on a  regular basis because the recall is still painful and can cause writer's block for months.

Diary of a Fool

I wish I had a video recording of Glen’s reactions to me when I get upset with him for interrupting my work. As usual, I was in the family room working on my business. Glen was working outside with Tony, Ken and Shawn. At 1:30PM all three come parading through the door with the intent to sit down and have some lunch. As usual, Glen guided them into the living room where I have been working all week and was trying to concentrate and turned the TV on. When I packed up and moved to another room Glen insulted my intelligence with his dumb act. "Why are you leaving?" he said. "We only came in to have lunch and watch some TV. You don't have to leave." I told him that I WAS trying to concentrate and the TV was turned off for a reason.

We have three living rooms, a dining room and a kitchen to eat in. All of which have a TV.  I only take up one of those rooms. You’d think Glen would have some respect for the fact that I am working and chose a room that is not already spoken for but, NOOOOO. He has to invade my workspace and force me to go elsewhere. So I packed up my things and moved to the bedroom where I closed the door so I could work.

I assume Glen blew off my reasons for leaving the living room because he came in the bedroom to give me a kiss. I wasn't busy at that time but the fact that he shows no respect for a closed door when he knows why I am behind that closed door really makes me angry. I bit my tongue and let him do what he wanted so he would go away and leave me alone faster. He tried to start a fight with me after he realized that I was irritated and cold. I shut up and refused to indulge him. I knew it was just another excuse to stay longer and waste more of my time. He does this to me so often that I see it coming. He asked who I was on the phone with so I asked, “Who do you think?” He tried to play dumb but that was an epic fail. He cut to the chase and left. I told Angela that he could have gone down to the basement to eat lunch instead of invading my workspace but he chose not too and I am supposed to believe that he has respect for me? Puleez. I told her that I was moving to the basement to wait for Glen to come and bother me again. I am not stupid to think he would have some respect and not to bother me. 3:30 PM there he is at the top of the stairs yelling for me. I stopped working, crossed my arms and waited for him to come downstairs and bother me for the third time in two hours. His ailing little boy routine added to my irritation. He plays the helpless dumbass every time he is scheming or feeling guilty and doesn't want me to figure it out. It’s meant to be a distraction from the truth that he has yet to realize isn’t working. I see right through it every time but that doesn't stop him from playing his games. He made his excuses to justify his inconsiderate behavior so I decided to play along in my own way. When he told me that he was just coming down to give me a kiss and let me know that he was going into town I said, “Well I am sure that is more important to you than anything I might be doing.” He got all self-righteous and said, “WHAT? I was just being nice and polite. You don’t have to get bitchy with me. “ That’s when I realized he just showed more proof that he has no respect for me. I knew there was no point trying to explain my side to him. He is a selfish prick and I am wasting my breath. I hate it when he uses me or tries to play me for the fool.  He said we will go out tomorrow and look for vans for my cleaning company. After that show of disrespect I think the best thing to do is wait until I earn the money to buy my own van. That way his name won’t be on my company vehicle. I know damned well he will keep the proceeds from the sale of the Taurus and find a way to screw me. I don’t trust him one bit. He’s already tried to con me out of the tax return for the company. He be such a douchebag when he wants to be.

I know this will never stop and Glen will never change. So I have decided that every time Glen interrupts me and forces me to find a quiet place to work I will pack my things and leave the property completely. That way he can only do that to me once and he's not getting away with it.

My long range goals are to make enough money to pay Glen back for every cent I owe him and put distance between him and me. We’ve never had a normal marriage and I will never get the respect from him that I deserve. So it’s time to lay down arms and let him think he is getting his way while I work in the shadows to build my business without his help. Then when I am ready to make my move he will get the divorce papers. I just have to find out where I can go to get a quicky divorce so he has no chance to screw me out of half the business. Before that happens I am going to pull a Glen on him. He went behind my back and sold the house to his son to void his will and keep me from inheriting it. I have no doubt that he has a revised will leaving everything to his son and a go fuck yourself sign to me. So I am going to incorporate my business to keep his greedy paws out of the coffers. It's pretty sad when you have to do things like that to protect yourself from the man who promised to love you for the rest of your life. He will be be like my sister and go to his grave never knowing how to love someone unconditionally.

Right now, he knows I am pissed off at  him. His normal routine is to go into the bedroom around 8PM and call his son behind closed doors. I suspect that he also calls his girlfriend. Tonight he stayed out on the couch until almost 11 PM. He was sleeping for a while and when he finally got up to go to bed he didn’t come down stairs to kiss me good night or tell me he was going to bed. Guess the polite and considerate routine had no value to him this time. I'd say he learned his lesson from the last time but I know better than that. Any lesson he might learn is forgotten as fast as it was learned. He only behaves himself until he thinks the heat is off. He's worse than a spoiled brat.

Since he stole so much of my time and made it impossible for me to concentrate for hours after he upset me I have decided to solve this problem by changing my work hours. From now on I will not work on anything but housework while he is home or not in bed sleeping. That way he cannot interfere with my efforts to launch this business. I will work all night and sleep all day. His inconsiderate behaviour just cancelled our breakfast date tomorrow. I expect he will come downstairs looking for me at 6 am wake me up and try to get sex out of me, totally ignoring the fact that I am trying to sleep. Same shit different day. I am going to let him know that my all nighters are sponsored by the world according to Glen. I have to work all night because he refuses to let me work while he is awake. I am a tool in his world and it is my duty to live as he dictates and think the thoughts he decides are in my head. If that makes you piss yourself laughing don't feel bad. I am strides ahead of you on that one.

It doesn’t matter anymore. Talking to him is as effective as trying to nail jello to a tree.  I am writing the letter I have been writing him for last two months explaining where he is going wrong and why this shit is happening again. The letter is always written on my computer but never gets printed because I know it is a waste of ink and paper. I’m not going to educate him so he can find new ways to manipulate me. I am done. If he doesn’t figure it out on his own this marriage is over one way or another. I’ve done everything I can to open his eyes and all he does is blow smoke up my ass and treat me like I am a stupid little girl. I am not going to carry the weight of this marriage alone anymore. Enough is enough. I can do better than this. He is right, I deserve better than this. I don’t care if he blames all of the responsibility on me. There’s only one person in this marriage who isn’t being marred by ego and pride and it’s not him.

Into Every Good Day..............

...an asshole must show up to blow your good mood all to hell.
Today started out positive and inspiring. Everything was running smoothly. People were being very helpful and then the neighbor, two doors down had to show up at my door and blow it all to hell. I hate it when toxic people darken my doorstep. What a jerk. I have dogs and he has a problem with that. I can't call him a dog hater because I think he used to have a black lab. Today he came to my door bitching at me and accusing one of my dogs of attacking his cat. I know my dogs don't like cats but I live in an area that is not safe for small animals. You can tell this guy is city. Who the hell brings a cat into an home where fishers, wolves, coyotes and coydogs can make lunch out of it?

When I told this guy that I did not know my dogs were going over to his property he called me a liar. That pissed me off. He knows damned well there is half a mile of trees between his house and mine. Unless I suddenly developed the ability to see through solid mass he is a moron. How the hell am I suppose to see where my dogs go once they are in the woods on my property?  This happened when I was out and my husband was supposed to be watching the dogs. So why is this asshole yelling at me? I supervise my dogs when I am home and they are outside. Why am I always getting dumped on for what other people do? This jerk didn't even bother to cool his jets long enough to find out my side of this story.

My dogs are in the woods every day and the only time I have a problem with them is when I find them off the property and on the road out front. I know they bark at the joggers but I always yell at them to make them stop  and they never make it past the first one hundred feet of the driveway. Our driveway in the front of the house is 300 ft to the road. They are trained to stay home but people litter on the road side and that attracts my dogs. This guy's black lab used to come on my property all the time. He never got a visit from me about his dog bothering my dogs and shitting on my property. I wish he would sell his house and get the hell out of here.

I laugh when he pulls up in his truck and refuses to get out until I call my dogs into the house. A big guy like him and my dogs can make him hide. Too funny. Big bad tough guy afraid of two playful puppies that wouldn't hurt a flea. That's hilarious.

Now I have to get his toxic influence out of my head and try to get my good feels back. Right from the first day I met the guy he's been a total prick to me. It doesn't matter if his visit has anything to do with me. He's a total asshole. My husband suggested that his mood might be cause by his wife. So why take that out on me? I did n't marry the bitch. That suggestion makes his problem and anger management issue. I was polite to him when I first met him and he treated me like dirt. So I put up with him to protect my dogs but inside I can't stand him. Just because he wants to be a prick doesn't mean I have to allow him to poison my mood.