Tips for Successful Study Online From a Learning Challenged Adult Who Lived it.

Here's What I did to finally get my Real Estate License.  

I have a learning challenge but I am in no way stupid. I just learn and perceive on a singular level. I have been trying to get my Real Estate license for about 19 years now. So far I am enrolled in the course for the fifth time. You laugh but the fact is I never gave up no matter how many times I fell on my face. It just takes time to find the right school for me. And I have done that. That's requirement number one. 

The Real Estate school I am in right now is the one for me. I know this because I am acing all of the unit exams and the information being taught is sinking in. 

Study tips for anyone. 

Studying online requires commitment and determination to get through it. I tend to procrastinate, so I had to find a way to discipline myself not to do that. Easy, just kept telling myself to get it done. No excuses. Once I started working it didn't take much to lock on and get right into it. 

I have days when everything I read in english reads like Greek in my head. I'm not bilingual by the way. It's part of the learning challenge I have to get past when learning new things. 

I wasted two weeks of study waiting for my brain to get it in gear. I decided to come up with a back up plan so no more time gets wasted. 

I decided that I needed the discipline of a schedule. 

I get up at 5 AM but I made the decision that I was not going to pressure myself to get the work done. Stress and pressure are the enemy for people like me. I have never thrived under pressure. 

I realized that I am mentally ready to start my studies at 11 AM. So I start my studies every day at 11 AM.

I print out the reading assignments so I can copy them word for word into a notebook. This is one way I encode the information. 

If writing it out isn't making the information sink in I will read it out loud with a voice recorder recording everything. Then I can play it back to encode the information that way. Sometimes I understand better when the information is read back to me. 

Ambiance is also important. I have ADD so all audio and visual distractions have to be eliminated before hand. I have Echo dots all through my home so I can play meditation music on all of them to help me calm my mind to make it easier for me to focus and learn. 

I don't study when anyone is home. They are another distraction. 

If I need to study and family is home I have set up a study area in a tent that I set up in back yard. I let family know not to disturb me when I am in there. 

Mentally I stay in a positive frame of mind because I know stress and negative thinking are killers of success. Not gonna happen.

I have been studying for a month now and so far I have aced (100%) every unit exam and my learning "disorder" has no power over me. It's all psychological. 

A Visit From A Raven

I am a psychic empath so I only believe what my instincts tell me is true. Hearing the call of the Raven in my yard two days ago lifted my spirits even though I wasn't clear on what was making the sound. I suspected it might be a Raven but I needed to verify the sound first. I went to Cornell Labs Bird Songs web page to verify that I heard a Raven. We have crows here all of the time so I know what a crow sounds like. That wasn't what I heard. As soon as I played the recording of a Raven's call there was no doubt that what I had heard was a Raven.  

Folklore pegs the Raven as a bad omen when one pays you a visit. Pagans believe there is more to the story. Ravens are spirit animals. They bring messages from the universe that something in your life needs to be addressed/ corrected or improved upon. 

Raven Symbolism & Meaning

Looking to connect with the spirit world? Want to embark on self discovery? Raven as a Spirit, Totem, and Power Animal can help! Raven teaches how to hear messages from the other world and the real beauty of your shadow side. Delve deeply in Raven symbolism and meaning to find out how this animal spirit guide can uplift, enlighten, and inspire you

Source: https://whatismyspiritanimal.com/spirit-totem-power-animal-meanings/birds/raven-symbolism-meaning/

The information I got had something to do with a mysterious energy surrounding me. It protects me from something and guides me on my path. It is telling me that I need to take a look in the mirror and find my weaknesses and mistakes that would derail my plans for the future. " 

I'm still looking for information on this mysterious power that surrounds me and intimidates others. I don't understand how that works. Is it processing me? Is it scaring off fake friends with ill intent? Is it coming from inside of me? What is this? 

Facts of life

It's been a while since I last posted anything. I put distance between me and the cult so life as I know it has settled down and become peaceful. I've been able to focus on my business and go on some very interesting adventures. Some of which I will explain later. Right now it's 5 AM and I need to crash. The insomnia has finally worn off. Yeah me. LOL

Reading through past entries I finally realize that Dianne has won. She has successfully alienated me from her entire family. Aunts, uncles, cousins, past friendships are dead weight now. They all believe I am some sort of evil selfish monster. I truly believe that my cousins were only interested in my friendship for one of two reasons. The ones that socialize with Jennifer and Dianne are being used by them to keep tabs on me. If the cousins talk about what they know about me you can be sure Jennifer and Dianne will be listening. They don't want me in their life and they all assume my life revolves around them, but they never completely let go.  I assume this is their covert way of trying to manipulate e into submission so they can control me and use me like they have in the past.
I am of the mind set now that if I ever expect to leave the past behind for good and never look back, I have to drop the dead weight and accept that they don't want me in their lives. They hate me and they always have. This to me is nothing more than open doors and new adventures with no one to take it away or stop me. If I want to attain this new life it's important to do everything in my power to forget them and focus on the present so I can plan for the future free of narcissists and evil people.
I haven't lost anything by cleaning the haters and toxic relationships out of my closet. All I've done is make room for new friends and a happier life with sane people and genuine friendships.
2020 is my year to manifest my destiny and live my best life. No more haters and no more abuse.
Thank you to everyone who kicked me to the curb. You were right. I don't belong in your world anymore than you belong in mine.

Cowards

• November 30, 2013
• 

  11/30, 3:31pm

  Nadine Simmons-Fritsch

  Hi Terresa. I don't know what to say to you. I don't understand how someone comes to a funeral and does not speak to their parents and say I'm sorry for your loss. Especially your father. And I don't understand why you did not come to see your grandma while she was still alive? But you stayed at her place and removed things you were not told you could have. I'm going to be nice and assume you will do the same and return them. That's the right thing to do. There no was no need to leave a note on Josh's truck and upset him. If you wanted to say something to Mike you should have said it to his face. You did this when Sherri passed away by sending your mom that card and letter. Your mom never read it. Jennifer took it to spare her any more pain. You obviously do not want to be part of this family. So please keep it that way. I'm not judging anyone. Common sense says its the right thing to do. You did not even glance your daughters way. Not that she minded. She is an amazing woman and a loving mother. So while you insist your parents abused them and did not raise them right your wrong. You knew that showing up would be painful and cause stress for everyone and you chose to anyway. So please show someone you have some good inside you and send the things back.
• December 10, 2013
• 

  12/10, 2:40pm

  Nadine Simmons-Fritsch

  I do apologize for accusing you of taking things. I had been given false information.
• Monday
• 

  12/30, 12:27am

  Me

  No problem Nadine. It was more than I was expecting them to do. I was looking forward to being ignored and alienated but not confronted at my Grandmother's funeral. That was a new low. I wasn't holding anything against you. I don't put blame on innocent people. I know how their head games work.
• Tuesday
• 

  12/31, 8:09pm

  Me

  Nadine I just read the accusations that you made against me. LOL You’re right, everything you were told was a lie. I know you don't want to hear this but since you opened this door, I am going to say this just to set the record straight. There is a truck load of garbage that you don't know about and I have no interest in discussing. I am not going to justify anything I have done. All I am going to say is this; • Nothing I did was directed at the cult of Dianne. For them to assume so is arrogant and paranoid. • My reasons for behaving the way I did towards them are my own and I am entitled to feel any way I see fit. No one has the right to tell me I am wrong. • My life does not revolve around Dianne or that family. I have better things to do with my time than drive 419 mile for 8 hours and pay for a motel so I can torment those paranoid freaks. I avoid them because they are nothing but trouble and I get hurt and bastardized every time I allow them to darken my doorstep. The fact that I am writing this is proof. • Jennifer disowned me just like the rest of them did so I don’t owe them a damned thing. They made the decision to turn their backs on me and disown me. If they don’t like my response to their manipulative tactics, I really don’t care. They made their beds they can lay in them. • The letter I sent to Dianne after Sherri died was at Jennifer’s request and against my better judgment. If you care to know the real truth the poem they claim to be so hurtful is on this page. If you read it you will see why I would send such a despicable poem to Dianne at such a tragic time in her life. http://www.happypublishing.com/spiritualthoughts/storms-bring-out-the-eagles.htm • I made the mistake of going against my better judgment after Sherri died and those assholes bashed me all over Facebook for shit I was not ever guilty of. Many normal people read the poem and the sympathy note I sent Dianne AT JENNIFER’S REQUEST. Not one of them thought it was nasty. In fact everyone, including Sherri’s boyfriend Jeff, thought it was very beautiful and decent of me considering all of the trouble that old witch has caused for me these past 26 yrs. • According to Jeff, Dianne received my letter and used it to bastardize me to him without even reading it. He was smart enough to see through her head games and blew her out of the water. She didn’t know that I saw that shit coming and covered my ass by passing my sympathy letter on to Jeff and a few others who see through that family of trouble makers. Dianne did not get the results she wanted because I was smart enough not to trust any of them to be straight with me and given the ensuing trouble that followed it looks like I was right. So what you heard about that was one sided and total bull shit. What those self-righteous jerks don’t know is that Sherri and I mended fences long before she died but we had to keep it under wraps so Dianne would not interfere. Everything we did publicly was for their benefit to keep them out of our relationship. Sherri hated Dianne worse than I did and her boyfriend Jeff was the one who told me that. You can talk to anyone outside of the cult and they will all tell you the same thing. The things that woman did to my sister was disgusting. • I was asked to stay at my grandmother’s apartment to keep Dianne and her vultures from pillaging and plundering the apartment before the funeral was over. I was at my grandmother’s bedside the day she died but none of them knew because Rae and I slipped in the back door and up to the fourth floor to say good bye even though she had passed two hours before we arrived in Hamilton. • If any one of them had the decency to tell me that my grandmother was in the hospital sooner than the day before she died I would have been there a hell of a lot sooner. I left as soon as I could with the full intention of getting there before she passed so I could say good bye to her. • Unlike my self-righteous ex-family, I was the only one who bothered to stay in touch even though I lived 419 miles away. Not one of those arrogant pricks can say that with a straight face. • So I am sure you can understand my reasons for doing what I did. If you are looking for a monster look at Dianne and her cult. They start the trouble and they play the games. And you wonder why I refuse to acknowledge or associate with any of them.

  

  Storms Bring Out The Eagles But The Little Birds Take Cover

  www.happypublishing.com

  A great poem by Helen Steiner Rice about rising above the hardships in life rather than hiding from them.
• 

  12/31, 8:31pm

  Me

  It's clear where you got your information from. Everything you accused me of has their toxic stench on it. Be careful who you trust. One day you will realize who the monster is and it won't be me I guarantee that. Watch your back. You have no idea who you are in bed with.
• 

  12/31, 8:38pm

  Terresa Portal

  I avoided them at the funeral for two reasons. Because of what happened when I reached out to Dianne after Sherri died and because I made a promise to my cousin that I would not respond when one of them tried to start trouble with me at my Grandmother's funeral. As for the note on Josh's truck I thought it was mikes and if Mike had not been so immature and disrespectuful at the funeral none of that would have happened. If those arrogant jerks would look at who started the shit rather than who put a stop to it they wouldn't be so quick to judge. But that requires a spine and the testicular fortitude none of them have.
• 

  12/31, 9:01pm

  Nadine Simmons-Fritsch

  Terresa I am not responding to this to carry this conversation on. I know exactly the kind of man who I share a bed with. The past or your family problems are not my business. I sleep with a man who loves me and lately I'm hard to love. He protects me. Keeps me safe. His is my best friend. He does everything he can for me to make me happy. His is a great friend a great father and the love of my life. Is he perfect No. But none of us are. But he is not to blame for his reaction to what he was told. You obviously do not know Mike at all. You can say what you want about your family that's your fight. However when you involve Mike then it becomes my fight. I have too much respect for him to allow you do that and not defend him.
• 

  12/31, 9:47pm

  Me

  I am glad you feel that way about him. Maybe one day your love can heal the pain he is in and yes you are right. I don't know him and I don't want to know him. Not after the way he treated me at my Grandmother's funeral. I am sure we feel the same way about each other and I am content to keep it that way. I have no problem being disowned by them. It worked out well for me and I am happier than I have ever been. The truth is that things are the way they should be and there is no need to change any of it. They don't want me around and I don't want them in my life. It's all good. I am happy with the life I have and I have no desire to return to a family that hates me. I did not say what I said to start a pissing match and I was not expecting anything from you. You accused me of things I am not guilty of and you painted a horrible picture of me without knowing anything about me. all I did was respond to trhe accusations. Beyond that it's not my problem.

FOOTNOTE: What I find disgusting about this conversation is the audacity of this woman to tell me that I should not have shown up to my Grandmother's funeral and if I were nice I would return everything I took from my Grandmothewr's. She has the audacity to accuse me without knowing the facts. She said my presence hurt the cult. What a fucking joke that is. How do you hurt people who don't like you? This bombastic bitch is going to make a wonderful addition to the cult of Dianne Pateman and her mindless followers.

Who the hell do they think they are assuming that I was there because of them? OMG how arrogant. They walked out on me and my daughter years ago and continue to abuse me and cause trouble when they get the chance. This time I refused to let them in and judging from their reaction to my rejection I made the right decision again. Now that my grandmother's are both dead and I don't talk to anyone in the family I can move on with my life and leave all of this shit behind me.

Attack of the head monsters

Back in Brantford, ON there appears to be a rash of narcissistic personality disorder. Every time I chat with someone from the past I notice one thing they all have in common. They like to pick me apart and run me down for having opinions that don't mesh with theirs. They bash and bastardize me to save face and avoid admitting they might be flawed or wrong. I must say it gets old. I find myself laughing at their God routine. They demand that I accept them the way they are but refuse to give me the same respect. People like that don't deserve respect. They demand what they are not willing to give. They are not getting anything from me. 

The last head monster to confront me didn't have a clue what she was talking about. In talking to her I started to see why she is dating one of the cult members. She is a needy dullard. The cult likes people that kiss their ass and tell them what they want to hear. This woman has obviously bought into the bullshit of that cult because she sounded like one of them hence the first line of this post. 

She painted a horrible picture of me and accused me of things without checking the facts to make sure I was actually guilty. Clearly she has been in the cult too long. She acts like one of them. Not my problem. Just one more person to avoid. She bastardized me and glorified them without knowing the facts. She got defensive of her little boyfriend when I set the record straight. No surprise there. I have never met anyone from that cult who could handle reality. She made it a point of telling me that Jennifer had no problem being ignored by me at the funeral. I knew that would be the case and since that toxic bitch disowned me I have no reason to acknowledge any of them. I knew that those idiots were trying to manipulate me into subordination by disowning me. It showed in their reactions when I accepted their decision and walked away from them all. They actually expected me to beg and grovel at their feet for acceptance back into that [cult]. Yeah right, not happening. Those losers are destructive head cases. I am happier without their toxic crap in my life. 

I told Nadine that I am happier keeping things the way they are and they don't need to bother me ever again. I told her that nothing I did was directed at them despite their paranoid delusions. I had as much right to be at my Grandmother's funeral as anyone. The only one playing games is Dianne on all of them. I got out and I am staying that way. I don’t want any of them in my life. Those losers can kiss my ass.

The Seven Deadly Sins

The seven deadly sins, also known as the capital vices or cardinal sins, is a classification of vices (part of Christian ethics) that has been used since early Christian times to educate and instruct Christians concerning fallen humanity's tendency to sin. In the currently recognized version, the sins are usually given as wrath, greed, sloth, pride, lust, envy, and gluttony.

The Catholic Church divides sin into two categories: venial sins, in which guilt is relatively minor, and the more severe mortal sins. Theologically, a mortal or deadly sin is believed to destroy the life of grace and charity within a person and thus creates the threat of eternal damnation. "Mortal sin, by attacking the vital principle within us – that is, charity – necessitates a new initiative of God's mercy and a conversion of heart which is normally accomplished [for Catholics] within the setting of the sacrament of reconciliation."^[1]

Lust[edit]

Main article: Lust

Lust or lechery (carnal "luxuria") is an intense desire. It is usually thought of as excessive sexual want; however, the word was originally a general term for desire. Therefore lust could involve the intense desire of money, food, fame, or power as well.

In Dante's Purgatorio, the penitent walks within flames to purge himself of lustful/sexual thoughts and feelings. In Dante's Inferno, unforgiven souls of the sin of lust are blown about in restless hurricane-like winds symbolic of their own lack of self-control to their lustful passions in earthly life.

Gluttony[edit]

Main article: Gluttony

Excess
(Albert Anker, 1896)

Derived from the Latin gluttire, meaning to gulp down or swallow, gluttony (Latin, gula) is the over-indulgence and over-consumption of anything to the point of waste.

In Christian religions, it is considered a sin because of the excessive desire for food, and its withholding from the needy.^[14]

Because of these scripts, gluttony can be interpreted as selfishness; essentially placing concern with one's own interests above the well-being or interests of others.

Read more at http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Seven_deadly_sins#Gluttony

It never ceases to amaze me how people who classify themselves as mature and intelligent always resort to playing the blame game during a crisis. They never seem to learn from their own experiences and so they continue to travel the same misguided path they always chose assuming the answer to their problems lies within the games they play and their refusal to shut up long enough to 

Now This is Interesting.

I have always said that once my grandmother dies I will have no reason to go back home. My grandmother died Nov 26 2013. My youngest daughter found out that my grandmother was in the hospital 2 weeks before she felt the need to tell me. I am certain her older sister said not to tell me. That would be her speed. Anyway I found out four days before she died. Looking back I should have left for Canada the minute I found out, but my daughter wanted to go and that meant we had to wait for her school schedule to clear. We left on the Tuesday morning and arrived 2 hours after my Grandmother died. We just got in the hotel room when the notice came over Facebook. Yes they are that tacky. Jennifer could have been decent enough to ask her sister for a phone number to reach Rachele since she hates me. Apparently that is too much to ask from a sociopath. My aunt, on the other hand, was able to make enough phone calls to locate the hotel we booked and call me to ask us to stay in my Grandmother's condo to protect it from the vultures.
Regardless I decided to go to the hospital to see my grandmother and say good-bye even though she was already gone. It hurt like hell because this grandmother was the only source of unconditional love that I had in my life. She always brought out the best in everyone. I could only hope to be like her. She was suffering for three years after three failed hip surgeries and osteoporosis. Anyway, I drove us to the hospital and discovered Dianne and her band of vultures gathered in the waiting area of the hospital. I drove right past them without one figuring out it was me. What made me happy was the fact that they would not be in her hospital room with her when I went up to see her. We managed to slip in the basement door and up to her room without anyone knowing we were there. I was in and out without one of them coming after me like the rabid dogs they are. Later back at the hotel room my cousin Jeff called me to ask if we would stay the night at Grandma's condo. I did not hesitate in saying yes because I needed the closure and I knew being in her apartment would help me feel like she was still there. Rachele and I followed Jeff to the condo. We got settled in for the night and Jeff started telling me why hima nd my aunt were so pissed off with the cult of Dianne. I found it interesting how those animals keep showing their true colors. It amazes me how arrogant they become each time they screw up. They behave as if their every word is gold and no one is questioning their integrity. Jeff informed me that the reason him and my aunt wanted us to stay at the apartment is because Dianne and her cult were disgussing how to divvy up my grandmother's belongings not even 15 minutes after she died. They didn't love her one bit. Those sociopaths would not know real love if it slapped them in the head. She was alone when I got there which is wrong. Any decent human being would have stayed until the coroner took the body. Not that family. They watched her died and then went downstairs to talk about who gets what. Jeff said he tried to leave the pow wow to pick up a few things from the apartment and Dianne piped up saying, "Don't take too much." Oh my fucking god Dianne can you be any colder? Jeff said that the invitation to stay at the apartment was because I am the only grand child that loved her enough to stay in touch even though I was 8 hours away and the rest of them were 30 mins away. I always wrote and called her. Jeff said my aunt thought I should get first choice on what to take home to remember my grandmother. All I wanted was the gifts that I gave her over the years. I knew that leaving them behind would see them tossed out by the vultures. One of them, Dianne I suspect, assumed they were taking the wireless phone set home with them. Too bad I got to them first. Jeff also told me that him and my aunt needed me to play scarecrow to the vultures long enough to get through the funneral before they cleaned out my grandmother's memories. I told Jeff to tell them we were staying until after the funeral so they all stay away even though we were going back home the next day. On the way out the next morning don't I run into one of the vultures. Mike was giving me such a dirty look. That asshole assumes he can bully me and make me submit. He's always been a spineless coward. I have no respect for any of them. Mike is so arrogant he assumes that he knows everything but doesn't have the brains to check the facts or ask the right questions. Those losers are so afraid they will miss out on something or not get enough if they have to share. To protect my grandmother. Mike proved it at my grandmother's funeral service when he tried to attack me outside of the reception hall. He's so spineless that he had to wait until he had an army to back him up and I was alone before he confronted me. I just ignored him and kept walking. I flipped him off. He is an idiot.

Granfma must have seen this coming because she hid all of her jewelry which was the first thing Dianne tried to go after. Too bad I found it all while looking through the clothing grandma had. I took items that I knew those vultures would see no monetary value in and toss out. I didn't want that to happen. My aunt also gave me the rest of Grandma's jewelry telling me she would have wanted me to have it. I felt her love more than ever at that moment. I am so happy that the truth is coming out and those losers are blowing themselves out of the water.
Yesterday I got an email from a friend in Brantfords who told me about a memorial in the paper that she found. She said it had a beautiful poem and Sherri's picture. This friend toild me that she saved it for me in case I wanted it. I told her to toss it out. That part of my life is over. She told me that I was not mentioned as Sherri's sister. I said that was very kind of them I appreciate that. Who wants to be linked to a home wrecking sociopath who made it her mission in life to take away everything that has ever made me happy?

Now that I am finally free of that cult I have noticed that life at home is getting better. My daughter has turned her back on me but I know it is just a phase she is going through. But I feel more connected to the family Ihave now. Jeff showed me his true colors too. He asked everyone for their contact information. Everyone but me that is. This after telling me that he doesn't care why the rest of his family has disowned me he has nothing against me. I felt betrayed when the truth revealed itself but I know he has been close to Mike all of his life and I am sure Mike has some kind of hold on Jeff. I am used to being rejected and alienated by them. So it's no big deal to me anymore. I know the truth and I am free to move forward with my life and forget all of them. No more drama no more abuse. I am finally free. It's now clear to me that not one of them should be trusted. My aunt is the only one I will trust and stay in touch with. The rest of them can do as they plesase and keep me out of it. They are not my family. Family has more respect and they protect and fogive each other. I have never been given any of that from them. 

Always on the outside looking in.

As that's a bad thing? Not for me it isn't. It's a blessing and a gift. Today I realized that my aunts, uncles and cousins don't really give a shit about me. Everything appears to be a head game with them. Fri was my birthday. I know no one got the birthday alert from Facebook but that's no excuse to ignore some one on their birthday when they had the decency to acknowledge you on yours. That is just flat out ignorant and immature. I don't post my real birthday on line because of Identity thieves. What hurt the most was when none of them acknowledged my birthday after I posted the heads up for it on my status. Only three family members wished me a happy birthday. Not one of them was an aunt, an uncle, a cousin, sibling, niece, nephew or dad. Until today I thought they cared about me but this proves me wrong. I have decided not to waste anymore of my energy on them. They are all the same and I am a fool for believing they were better than Dianne and her minions. This situation has taught me that they are all cut from the same cloth and I don't belong in that family. I am finished being their door mat. If all they can do is play these immature head games trying to make me feel as worthless as they are then to hell with them all. I'll be happier without them in my life.

I went down the list and put every one of them on the restricted list om my Facebook profile so none of them get anymore updates from me in their news feeds. I thought about dumping them all from my friends list but I know I will feel guilty about that later and have to friend them all over again. I have two other profiles I can use without any of them on the friend's list. Once I am sure this is what I think it is and I not just feeling sorry for myself I will dumped them all and forget about ever having a real relationship with any of them. They are all mean spirited and untrustworthy. I have seen their greed and self sides so this should not be a surprise. I am certain the only reason any of them was nice to me is because they thought I had money and they would get some of it if they played nice with me long enough. Dianne must have worked her magic on them again to make them all ignore me. Ha Ha Ha suckers.You are being used and as far as I am concerned all of you deserve what you get for being no better than that sociopath you call family. You are the same. I am glad you alienated me instead of trying to turn me into one of you pathetic animals.
I had the decency to wish all of them a happy birthday. I guess that means I am the only decent member of that family. Kudos to me ^_^ It's time to move forward and leave them all behind. 

The Practical Side of Attention Deficit Disorder That Most People Are Not Aware Of

I visited a site called Maven today that made me realize that I have more to offer this world by exposing the practical side of living with A.D.D. and being raised by a sociopathic mother who tried to kill me when I refused to become like her and the rest of my family. I have tried to write my story so many times but the pain of my memories stops me. Now that I have been in therapy for Post Traumatic Stress Disorder these last four years I am becoming stronger emotionally as the pain becomes less and less each day.

My childhood has left me with nerve damage in my spine from the physical abuse I was subjected too growing up and Post Traumatic Stress Disorder from all of the abuse and neglect my own mother is responsible for. I have disconnected my life from hers so from this point on my mother will be referred to as Dianne. I can tell you all kinds of horrifying stories about being Dianne's daughter that could make Steven King look like a romance novelist but Dianne is an attention whore. I have no intention of glorifying the woman who made it her mission in life to destroy me and came dangerously close to succeeding.

My point is this, the psychiatrist that diagnosed my A.D.D. 22 yrs ago,  is one of the top four behavioral specialist in the country. He told me that I would make a better psychiatrist than him because practical beats academic every time. He said that I have knowledge about the physical and emotional affects of abuse and Attention Deficit Disorder that no text book could ever teach him. In other words, I know the whole story and he only knows half of the story. He said that the information I possess is more valuable than the information he can read about Attention Deficit Disorder is a text books because my information is based on the truth and I know all of the facts about living with Attention Deficit Disorder that no doctor or specialist will ever know.

I have seen life from both sides and successfully raised an A.D.D. child without the use of drugs. The doctor who diagnosed me with Post Traumatic Stress Disorder informed me that I am a psychiatric phenomenon. She told me that I should be dead, insane or a sociopath like my abusers but instead I am completely sane with an unusually high capacity for empathy and love. Apparently I am one of very few to go through the hell I was subjected too and come out alive with my sanity in tact. My siblings were not so lucky. They were weak and have all identified with their abuser to become the new generation of abuse, dysfunction and sociopathic parents with mental problems. I was fortunate enough to be shown a better way to live when I was eight. This allowed me to break free of the generational bull shit that has and is still plaguing the family I left behind in order to protect my child and change the course of history for my daughter and her future generations.

That being said, I think the most valuable information I have to share is the practical knowledge I possess about growing up with Attention Deficit Disorder. It is my hope that the information I share in this blog will reach enough people with the influence to help me change the world's understanding of who we are. I am hoping that this difficult task of telling my story will enlighten expose the truth about who we really are and help the world understand and accept us so we can stop falling through the cracks and stop being misunderstood abused and misjudged. We are the alcoholics, criminals, suicide victims, sex trade workers, high school drop outs and misfits of the world when we go undiagnosed or misdiagnosed. We are artists, administrators, physicists, bankers, and anything we want to be when we are diagnosed and given the resources we need to learn and thrive on our level rather than being forced to live on a level of understanding that is not comprehensible to us.

If you are interested in reading future posts on Attention Deficit Disorder please book mark this blog or click the follow button to be notified of new posts. I am not able to write on a  regular basis because the recall is still painful and can cause writer's block for months.

Diary of a Fool

I wish I had a video recording of Glen’s reactions to me when I get upset with him for interrupting my work. As usual, I was in the family room working on my business. Glen was working outside with Tony, Ken and Shawn. At 1:30PM all three come parading through the door with the intent to sit down and have some lunch. As usual, Glen guided them into the living room where I have been working all week and was trying to concentrate and turned the TV on. When I packed up and moved to another room Glen insulted my intelligence with his dumb act. "Why are you leaving?" he said. "We only came in to have lunch and watch some TV. You don't have to leave." I told him that I WAS trying to concentrate and the TV was turned off for a reason.

We have three living rooms, a dining room and a kitchen to eat in. All of which have a TV.  I only take up one of those rooms. You’d think Glen would have some respect for the fact that I am working and chose a room that is not already spoken for but, NOOOOO. He has to invade my workspace and force me to go elsewhere. So I packed up my things and moved to the bedroom where I closed the door so I could work.

I assume Glen blew off my reasons for leaving the living room because he came in the bedroom to give me a kiss. I wasn't busy at that time but the fact that he shows no respect for a closed door when he knows why I am behind that closed door really makes me angry. I bit my tongue and let him do what he wanted so he would go away and leave me alone faster. He tried to start a fight with me after he realized that I was irritated and cold. I shut up and refused to indulge him. I knew it was just another excuse to stay longer and waste more of my time. He does this to me so often that I see it coming. He asked who I was on the phone with so I asked, “Who do you think?” He tried to play dumb but that was an epic fail. He cut to the chase and left. I told Angela that he could have gone down to the basement to eat lunch instead of invading my workspace but he chose not too and I am supposed to believe that he has respect for me? Puleez. I told her that I was moving to the basement to wait for Glen to come and bother me again. I am not stupid to think he would have some respect and not to bother me. 3:30 PM there he is at the top of the stairs yelling for me. I stopped working, crossed my arms and waited for him to come downstairs and bother me for the third time in two hours. His ailing little boy routine added to my irritation. He plays the helpless dumbass every time he is scheming or feeling guilty and doesn't want me to figure it out. It’s meant to be a distraction from the truth that he has yet to realize isn’t working. I see right through it every time but that doesn't stop him from playing his games. He made his excuses to justify his inconsiderate behavior so I decided to play along in my own way. When he told me that he was just coming down to give me a kiss and let me know that he was going into town I said, “Well I am sure that is more important to you than anything I might be doing.” He got all self-righteous and said, “WHAT? I was just being nice and polite. You don’t have to get bitchy with me. “ That’s when I realized he just showed more proof that he has no respect for me. I knew there was no point trying to explain my side to him. He is a selfish prick and I am wasting my breath. I hate it when he uses me or tries to play me for the fool.  He said we will go out tomorrow and look for vans for my cleaning company. After that show of disrespect I think the best thing to do is wait until I earn the money to buy my own van. That way his name won’t be on my company vehicle. I know damned well he will keep the proceeds from the sale of the Taurus and find a way to screw me. I don’t trust him one bit. He’s already tried to con me out of the tax return for the company. He be such a douchebag when he wants to be.

I know this will never stop and Glen will never change. So I have decided that every time Glen interrupts me and forces me to find a quiet place to work I will pack my things and leave the property completely. That way he can only do that to me once and he's not getting away with it.

My long range goals are to make enough money to pay Glen back for every cent I owe him and put distance between him and me. We’ve never had a normal marriage and I will never get the respect from him that I deserve. So it’s time to lay down arms and let him think he is getting his way while I work in the shadows to build my business without his help. Then when I am ready to make my move he will get the divorce papers. I just have to find out where I can go to get a quicky divorce so he has no chance to screw me out of half the business. Before that happens I am going to pull a Glen on him. He went behind my back and sold the house to his son to void his will and keep me from inheriting it. I have no doubt that he has a revised will leaving everything to his son and a go fuck yourself sign to me. So I am going to incorporate my business to keep his greedy paws out of the coffers. It's pretty sad when you have to do things like that to protect yourself from the man who promised to love you for the rest of your life. He will be be like my sister and go to his grave never knowing how to love someone unconditionally.

Right now, he knows I am pissed off at  him. His normal routine is to go into the bedroom around 8PM and call his son behind closed doors. I suspect that he also calls his girlfriend. Tonight he stayed out on the couch until almost 11 PM. He was sleeping for a while and when he finally got up to go to bed he didn’t come down stairs to kiss me good night or tell me he was going to bed. Guess the polite and considerate routine had no value to him this time. I'd say he learned his lesson from the last time but I know better than that. Any lesson he might learn is forgotten as fast as it was learned. He only behaves himself until he thinks the heat is off. He's worse than a spoiled brat.

Since he stole so much of my time and made it impossible for me to concentrate for hours after he upset me I have decided to solve this problem by changing my work hours. From now on I will not work on anything but housework while he is home or not in bed sleeping. That way he cannot interfere with my efforts to launch this business. I will work all night and sleep all day. His inconsiderate behaviour just cancelled our breakfast date tomorrow. I expect he will come downstairs looking for me at 6 am wake me up and try to get sex out of me, totally ignoring the fact that I am trying to sleep. Same shit different day. I am going to let him know that my all nighters are sponsored by the world according to Glen. I have to work all night because he refuses to let me work while he is awake. I am a tool in his world and it is my duty to live as he dictates and think the thoughts he decides are in my head. If that makes you piss yourself laughing don't feel bad. I am strides ahead of you on that one.

It doesn’t matter anymore. Talking to him is as effective as trying to nail jello to a tree.  I am writing the letter I have been writing him for last two months explaining where he is going wrong and why this shit is happening again. The letter is always written on my computer but never gets printed because I know it is a waste of ink and paper. I’m not going to educate him so he can find new ways to manipulate me. I am done. If he doesn’t figure it out on his own this marriage is over one way or another. I’ve done everything I can to open his eyes and all he does is blow smoke up my ass and treat me like I am a stupid little girl. I am not going to carry the weight of this marriage alone anymore. Enough is enough. I can do better than this. He is right, I deserve better than this. I don’t care if he blames all of the responsibility on me. There’s only one person in this marriage who isn’t being marred by ego and pride and it’s not him.